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How Eddie Valiant Stole Christmas/Transcript
Narrator: Every toon down in Toontown liked Christmas a lot but Eddie Valiant who lived just North of Toontown did not. (Eddie Valiant appears at his cave looking angry) Narrator: Eddie Valiant hated Christmas the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. (Eddie turns his head around) It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But Whatever the reason,His heart or his shoes,He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the toons. Staring down from his cave with a sour, Valiant frown At the warm lighted windows below in their town. (Roger Rabbit walks in) Narrator: For he knew every toon down in Toontown beneath Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath. Eddie: (grabs Roger by the neck) And they're hanging their stockings! Narrator: He snarled with a snear. Eddie: Tommorow is Christmas. It's practicly here! Narrator: Then he growled with his detective fingeres nervously drumming. Eddie: I must stop Christmas from commimg. For tommorow I know (Toons such as Pac-Man, the ghosts (Blinky, Pinky, Inky, Clyde and Sue), Cookie Monster, Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper appears playing with loud toys) all thoes toon girls and boys will wakr bright and early. They will rush for their toys and then oh the noise noise noise! Theres one thing I hate! All the NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!!!!!!!! And then they make shapes and sqeals racing around in their wheels. (Pac-Man is in a toy train) Then dance w/ ting tinglers tied on to their heals. (Inky is dancing) (Clyde is blowong a horn as Cookie Monster is running with Elmo and Big Bird, Road Runner and Little Beeper and other toons are then eating) Road Runner: Beep beep! Little Beeper: Beep beep! Eddie:Then the toons young and old will sit down to a feast and the'll feats and feats. And they will FEATS FEAST FEAST FEAST! (Pinky comes in with Toon Pudding) They will feast on Toon Pudding (Clyde, Inky and Blinky come in with roast beast) and rare toon roast beast. Roast beast is a feast I can't stand in the least. (The ghosts bring in more food and Sue gives Jessica Rabbit a strawberry. We then see Eddie's face) Eddie: And then they'll do something I hate most of all. Every toon down in Toontown the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the toons would start singing! (The ghosts, Pac-Man, Calamity, Beeper, Road Runner, Jessica, Wile E. Coyote, Bugs Bunny and SpongeBob SquarePants appear around a giant Christmas tree and they sing for a brief moment. We then see Eddie getting in Roger Rabbit's face) Eddie: They'd sing! And they'd sing! AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING! Narrator: And the more Eddie thought of the Toon-Christmas-Sing. The more Eddie thought.. Eddie: I must stop this whole thing! Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now! (snow falls on Roger) I MUST stop Christmas from coming! But how? (Roger crawls out of the snow) Narrator: The he got an idea. And awful idea. Eddie Valiant got a wondeful awful idea. (Eddie has and evil grin on his face and Roger gets scared and tries to hide in the snow) Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! Eddie: (grabs Roger and walks in the cave) I know just what to do.... Narrator: Eddie laughed in his throat. Eddie: I'll make a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat! (he starts cutting a red curtain) Narrator: He chuckled, and clucked..... Eddie: What a great detective trick. W/ this coat and this hat I'll look just like Saint Nick. (Eddie is making his Santa suit with Roger's help) Man: (singing) You're a mean one, Eddie Valiant. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, You're as charming as an eel, Eddie Valiant. You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel. You're a monster, Eddie Valiant. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders. You've got garlic in your soul, Eddie Valiant. I wouldn't touch you with a Thirty-nine and a half foot pole. (Eddie is in his Santa suit) Eddie: All I need is a reindeer. Narrator: Eddie Valinat looked around. But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop Eddie? No! Eddie simply said....... (Roger hides under Eddies bed in fear) Roger: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! Eddie: If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead. (Roger is shown getting a reindeer horn tied on his head) Narrator: So he took Roger Rabbit and he took some black thread and he tied a big horn on the top of his head. (The horn is so heavy that it makes Roger fall down. To make the horn lighter Eddie saws some antler parts off the horn for Roger.) (Eddie then brings empty bags to a sleigh) Narrator: Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks on a ramshakle sleigh and he whistled for Roger. (Eddie whistles as Roger jumps in the frount of the sleigh) Roger: Woo hoo! (singing) My buddy's Eddie V A sour-puss he be But when I'm done He'll need no gun Cause a joker he will be! (Eddie frowns grabs Roger and hooks him up to the sliegh. He then jumps on the sleigh) Narrator: The Eddie Valiant said.... Eddie: Giddyap! (whips Roger w/ a whip) Roger: Ah, p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! Narrator: And the sleigh started down toward the homes where the toons lay a-snooze in their town. (The sliegh goes down the hill and Roger starts running. He ends up in the back. An angry Eddie looks down and then sees Roger standing on the back of the sleigh w/ a big smile on the rabbits face. Eddie grabs Roger and throws him in the frount. They go over an edge) Roger: Aaaaahhhhh! P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! (The sleigh goes upside down and then back again and Roger is face to face with an angry Eddie) Roger: (chuckles) Hi Eddie. (looks down) AHH! (he and Eddie fall) P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! (Eddie throws Roger to the frount again. They finally arive in Toontown) Narrator: All the windows were dark, no one knew he was there. All the toons were all dreaming sweet dreams w/o care. (Eddie and Roger walk to a house) When he came to the 1st little house on the square. Eddie: This is stop number 1. Narrator: The old Eddie Claus hissed as he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. (Eddie climbs to the roof and slides down the chimney) Narrator: Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch. But if Santa could do it, then so could Eddie Valiant. (Eddie gets stuck) He got stuck only once, for a moment or two. (he makes it to the bottom) Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue, where the little toons stockings all hung in a row. Eddie: Thease stockings..... Narrator: He valianted... Eddie: Are the 1st things to go! (Eddie takes all the stcokings and then slithers like a snake to the Christmas tree) Narrator: Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, Around the whole room, and he took every present! Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums! And he stuffed them in bags. Then Eddie, very nimbly, stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney! (The bags go up the chimney and fall on Roger Rabbit) Roger: Oof! (Eddie steals all the Xmas balls off the tree) Man: (singing) You're a vile one, Eddie Valiant. You have termites in your smile, You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Eddie Valiant. Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile. You're a rotter Eddie Valiant You're the king of sinful sots Your hearts a dead tomato squashed with moldy purple spots Eddie Valiant (Eddie throws a bag out the chimney) Roger: P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! (The bag lands on Roger) Man: You're a three-decker sauerkraut And toadstool sandwich, With arsenic sauce! Roger: Get me out of here! P-p-p-p-p-p-please! (falls out of the bag) (Eddie goes in a bedroom where Jessica Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Calamity Coyote and Little Beeper are sleeping with candy canes. Eddie takes all the candy canes from the sleeping toons and goes to the icebox) Narrator: Then he slunked to the icebox. He took the toons feast. He took the toon pudding. He took the roast beast. (Eddie takes all the food) Cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash, why Eddie even took the last can of Toon Hash. (All the food goes up the chimney) Narrator: Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney w/ glee...... Eddie: Now.... Narrator: Grinned Eddie. Eddie: I will stuff up the tree! (A Xmas ball falls off the tree and rolls in the bed room waking up Jessica) Narrator: As Eddie took the tree and he started to shove, when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and he saw a tall toon. Jessica Rabbit, the human wife of Roger Rabbit. She stared at Eddie and said...... Jessica Rabbit: Santa Clause, why? Why are you taking the Christmas tree? Why? Narrator: But, you know, Eddie Valiant was so smart and so slick. He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! Eddie: Why my dear sweet Jessica..... Narrator: The fake Santa Clause lied... Eddie: There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side. So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear. I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here. (Eddie pats Jessica's head) Narrator: And his fib fooled the woman. Then he patted her head, and he got her a drink and he sent he to bed. And when Jessica Rabbit was in bed with her cup (Jessica goes to bed as Eddie stuffs the tree up) he went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up! (Eddie goes up the chimney) Then he went up the chimney himself, the olf liar, and the last thing he took was the log for their fire (Eddie takes the log), on their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire. And the one speck of food that he left in the house was a crumb.... (Speedy Gonzales runs in towards the crumb) Speedy Gonzales: ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw! Narrator: That was even too small for a mouse. (Eddie takes the crumb as Speedy looks disapointed. Eddie is then shown going to other houses stealing the Christmas stuff) Narrator: Then he did the same thing to the other toons houses, leaving crumbs much too small for the other toons mouses. Man: (singing) You nauseate me, Eddie Valinat with a noxious super nos you're a crooked jerky jockey and, you drive a crooked horse Eddie Valiant. Your sole is a appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots. You're a foul one, Eddie Valiant. You're a nasty wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks. Your soul is full of gunk, Eddie Valiant. The three best words that best describe you, Are as follows, and I quote. Stink! Stank! Stunk! (Eddie steals the giant Christmas tree in the middle of Toontown and then packs up his sleigh) Narrator: It was quarter past dawn...all the toons, still a-bed all the toons, still a-snooze, when he packed up his sled, packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings! (Eddie whips Roger w/ the whip repeatingly) Roger: Ow! P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p! (pulls the sled up the mountain to Eddie's house) Narrator: Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit, He rode to the very tiptop to dump it! (They reach the top of a cliff) Roger: Eddie, get me down from here, p-p-p-p-p-please!!!!!! Narrator: "Pooh pooh to the toons" he was Valiantly humming..... Eddie: (to Roger) They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming! They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two then the toons down in Toontown will all cry "BOO-HOO!" (to himself) Thats the noise..... Narrator: Grinned Eddie... Eddie: That I simply must hear! Narrator: He paused, and Eddie put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow. (Jessica Rabbit, Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, Road Runner, Pac-Man, Blinky, Pinky, Inky, Clyde, Sue, Dinky, Captain Hook, SpongeBob, Calamity Coyote, Little Beeper, Daffy Duck, Donald Duck, Bent-Tail Coyote and Porky Pig all appear singing Christmas songs) (Eddie looks sad and then mad) Narrator: But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded glad! Every toon down in Toontown, the tall and the small, was singing! W/O any presents at all! He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same! and Eddie Valiant with his detective feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling. Eddie: (to Roger Rabbit) How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags! Narrator: He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then Eddie thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. "Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" (Eddie smiles. The sled starts to slide slowly down the cliff) Roger: EDDIE! HELP! (Eddie saves Roger by grabbing him off the sled but they fall down in the snow (not off the cliff)) Roger: P-p-p-p-p-p! (The sled starts to fall but Eddie grabs it) Roger: Grab the sleigh Eddie! GRAB THE SLEIGH! (Eddies hearts grows 3 more sizes) Narrator: And what happened then...? Well...in Toontown they say that Eddie's small heart grew three sizes that day! and then the rue spirit of Christmas came through and Eddie found the strength of 10 Eddie's plus 2! (Eddie blows a trumpet down to Toontown on the sled with Roger) Narrator: And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, he whizzed with his load through the bright morning light and he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast! (Eddie is shown at the table with Roger and Jessica carving the roast beast) Narrator: And he, HE himself, Eddie Valiant carved the roast beast. Roger: And God bless us every one! He he! Road Runner: Meep Meep! (snacks on a pile of birdseed) Beeper: Beep Beep! (snacks on another pile of birdseed) THE END Category:MrJoshbumstead's Pages Category:Transcripts Category:Christmas Specials